I have become a master if myself. Months spents alone but rarely feeling lonely. Sure there is family to be seen everyday but not like it used to be.
It feels like it’s been forever since I last saw my sister. But I hate the feeling I get when I’m with her. It’s made no easier when we are constantly under watchful eyes and my every word…or moreover lack of, is noted and recorded, I feel no ease or joy in seeing her. But feel only guilt when I don’t.
My family is not the same. I am not the same.
I hate this shit. I just want it to all go back to normal. I can hide in my room or in work without feeling I have abandoned my kin. I can handle being alone, handle death and loss of parent. But she cannot, I think some small part of her still thinks our father is coming back from being sick.
What am I to do in life?
I can’t afford to get my own place to take her in. Even if I could I couldn’t assure her safety. I’d be working all the time in order to support. I’d have to cancel any plans of college.
I’m sorry Dad. I’m sorry I’m not as strong as I’m sure you had hoped I’d be. I can’t shoulder this. It’s too big for me. Too much weight.